


it's strange to find such lights in such endless night

by Princex_N



Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: Acceptance, Autism, Autistic Frank, Autistic Hawkeye, Autistic Margaret, Autistic Mulcahy, Autistic Radar, Gen, Reflection, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-20
Updated: 2020-01-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:07:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22327597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Princex_N/pseuds/Princex_N
Summary: Sometimes he thinks about whether they would have made it out there, in any other unit. A lot of the times he thinks that of course they would, any one of them, ofcoursethey would be fine.But during the times that really count, Hawkeye is pretty sure that none of them would. He thinks that the place they all wound up is the only place, with the onlypeoplethis ever could have worked with.
Relationships: Everyone & Everyone
Comments: 4
Kudos: 61





	it's strange to find such lights in such endless night

**Author's Note:**

> title comes from [Tunng's song "Bullets"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GlvM4Crwgx8)

Hawkeye has always known the ways he was different from other people. 

Growing up with a small-town doctor for a father will do that for you sometimes. When there's only one medical practitioner for miles around, they tend to be a jack-of-all-trades sort just because there's no other option. He supposes he's just lucky that his father never tended to be as by the book as other doctors tended to be. 

Hawkeye was a strange kid, and everyone knew it, and he grew up into a strange adult that plenty of people have heard of. He's just lucky enough that his father's diagnosis didn't follow him into adulthood the way the peculiarities did. At least, not in broad strokes. Hawkeye tells people here and there, but it's his own secret to give instead of something stamped onto his forehead for everyone to see. 

Sometimes he wonders if he wouldn't have preferred it that way, but he has to admit that things might have been a hell of a lot shittier for him if it had been. 

(Hawkeye fucking hates being in Korea. He's not here because he wants to be, because of any sense of loyalty or patriotism, or anything even resembling pride. He'd leave in a heartbeat if someone could offer him any other option than this one. Daniel Pierce did his son a favor by not marking his observations down officially, and Hawkeye knows better than to think that leaving is the only thing that label could earn him. They'd never let him practice medicine, they might not even let him _live_ on his own despite the fact that he's been doing just fine for the past 20 years. Getting discharged under a section 8 would follow Hawkeye forever, and he can't risk it even to get out of this hellscape once and for all.) 

(Another part of him knows that it's beyond just plain selfishness. The fact of the matter is that Hawkeye is a good fucking surgeon, and the people that get placed on his table are there because he's the one good enough to help them. That's not pride, it's just a fact. Hawkeye would hate himself until the day he fucking died if he let children bleed to death because he was selfish enough to be a little _tired_ of doing the surgeries that could save their lives. Even _if_ too many of them wind up going straight back into the fields that tore them apart in the first place.) 

There are a surprising number of people in the unit who are like Hawkeye. He doesn't know how many of them _know_ and isn't particularly inclined to talk shop most of the time, so he doesn't bother asking. Sometimes it's nice enough to enjoy the fact that there are others without having to get into the gritty details of how you're all the same. 

He'd bet that Margaret doesn't know, that she might even be offended at the insinuation. Hawkeye bets that has more to do with the way people have treated her than the label at its core, though. He sees her separate her meals into separate compartments and refuse to eat the contaminated portions, hears her count carefully as she brushes her hair at night, notices the way she flinches at the sound of artillery too far away to be dangerous. He knows it's easy to call her cruel or callous because of her tone of voice and strict adherence to the rules, but Hawkeye notices her passing out earplugs to patients in Post-OP and stepping in for Radar when the kid starts getting overwhelmed, so he knows better. 

Speaking of Radar, he probably doesn't know either. He's young and from a small, close-knit family in a tiny town in Nowhere, Iowa. They probably all knew he was different - even people who don't _know_ can still tell enough to whisper and joke - but decided they didn't care, and Hawkeye is strangely grateful for it. Grateful for those people he'll probably never meet, who saw that their son was different and decided to raise him with enough love and understanding that it didn't matter at all. Radar doesn't know the terminology, and Hawkeye might not ever bother to list it out for him, but he can still see the effects of that love and care in the way Radar unabashedly shields his ears when the noise gets too loud, in the hardly self-conscious way he cares for and clings to his stuffed bear, and in the gentle and understanding way he speaks to anyone and everyone in the vicinity. 

(Hawkeye was never much one for praying, but some nights the closest he gets is begging that Radar at least makes it home without losing any of that here in the cruel and senseless chaos they're all surrounded with.) 

(Sometimes he feels sick to his stomach for picking favorites, but Hawkeye is a surgeon who learned the hard way that you can't save anyone, and he knows better by now than to ask for too much.) 

Father Mulcahy might know. Hawkeye has never sat down and spoken about it, but childhood comes up here and there, and Hawkeye mentions his father's trial and error occupational therapy in the same off-hand way Mulcahy talks about the prayers of his parents and congregation. Hawkeye asks once if he thinks God is still out there healing the disabled and making them 'normal' and Mulcahy makes his little thoughtful noise and says that He's there to help where he can as people find their own ways of adjusting and making life work for them. Hawkeye thinks of the priest's careful way of speaking, the protective care he shows the only clothes he wears, and his stubborn refusal to bend, and laughs as he agrees. 

Frank might know, but Hawkeye doesn't care. He might play sympathetic here and there, but Hawkeye can't stand Frank for more than a couple seconds at a time and thinks that knowing they're similar makes it even worse. 

(Maybe they all could have wound up like Frank, and maybe Frank could have wound up like any of them, if their families or circumstances had been different. Hawkeye doesn't know and doesn't really care, because the only family here is the one they've cobbled together through stress and trauma, and the only thing keeping Frank from changing for the better is Frank himself, and Hawkeye doesn't have the energy anymore to help people who don't want to bother helping themselves. Kindness isn't a trait you're born with, it's a skill you work at, and Hawkeye can't make someone practice if they don't have any interest in the work.) 

None of them ever talk about it, but they show their little hints of solidarity when they can. It's Margaret making sure Hawkeye doesn't get _too_ focused during surgery and shouting back marines when they start to pick on Radar. It's Radar making sure that Mulcahy doesn't get so wrapped up in his studies that he forgets to eat or ordering extra ear plugs so that there's always enough to go around. It's Mulcahy sitting and listening to Radar talk about his pets for however long he can and helping Margaret organize the supply tent when she gets stressed out. It's Hawkeye doing the best he can to be the center of attention so that the others can have a break and exchanging a pleased flutter of fingers with them as they walk past each other on relaxed days. 

Sometimes he thinks about whether they would have made it out there, in any other unit. A lot of the times he thinks that of course they would, any one of them - especially the ones unlike him - would be able to adapt and cope just as well as they do here. They're strong and stubborn in all the right ways, and more than capable of this and more, of _course_ they would be fine. 

But during the times that really count, Hawkeye is pretty sure that none of them would. He thinks that the place they all wound up is the _only_ place, with the _only_ people this ever could have worked with. 

(None of them like to think about it, but the military is full of people like Frank Burns. People even worse than Frank, too, because even Frank could have wound up different if it wasn't for all the people here with more heart and backbone than him making sure that he stayed in check at least some of the time.) 

Hawkeye is good at masking, but he's not _that_ good, and he knows that some of those shrinks would be quick to send him packing, especially since he's a surgeon. Margaret is more than capable of taking care of herself and following the army's rules, but he sees how tense she holds herself and thinks it's not beyond the realm of possibility that she might just break under that pressure if this unit wasn't filled with just the right kind of foolishness to get her to remember to relax every once in a while. Radar is a sweet and adaptable kid, but most military kids aren't, and that spiteful stubborn spine of his might not stand up all on its own amidst all that battering. Mulcahy is stronger than he seems, but all that empathy he has is liable to drown him if he doesn't have someone at his back to help him bear that cross. 

(Even the ones that aren't _like them_. Would Klinger have made it this far without reaching the end of his rope without the acceptance and understanding he got here in the place he fought so hard to escape? Would Trapper have been able to make it home in one piece without the friends he made here? Would BJ have made it through that first hellish day without the support he got? Would Potter have made it through this third war without his new family here to support him? Would _any_ of them make it out of this war whole and alive anywhere else?) 

It's good that none of them actually have to worry about it. A lucky falling of the cards, divine intervention, fate, _whatever_ you want to call it, things worked out exactly like they had to. And it's terrible and it's awful, but most of the time, with _these_ people, Hawkeye can't bring himself to hate all of it. 

If he has to carry anything out of this war, a family is one hell of a thing to take home with him. 

**Author's Note:**

> so anyway, i'm way too soft for these people 
> 
> [Excluding frank, but sometimes, people that are autistic. are assholes.... ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ ]
> 
> [my tumblr](http://www.princex-n.tumblr.com)


End file.
